somedays i wish life came with a remote control

Almost two years ago we moved to Colorado and the leaving was hard. Harder than I ever imagined. I shut down in many ways to survive and also took charge in some areas that I weren’t mine to take. And it was harder than I ever dreamed. I accepted a teaching job and in a matter of days realized I realized I’d made a big mistake and needed to be home to adjust. To grieve. To catch my breathe. So the day I gave up on teaching was one of the hardest yet. I knew in my heart of hearts that it was right and that God was in the leaving, but all I wanted to do was fast forward through the awful feelings and consequences of those days. I wanted a remote control for doing life.

Last weekend was a particularly hard weekend for the people I love. My son has struggled through yet another sports season of disappointment, and this time it wasn’t my direct pain, it was the pain of my boy and my husband. We were in the car driving home from defeat and discouragement, and once again I begged God for a remote control for life to just fast forward through these hard days. I knew we would come out on the other side better people and blessed through these trials, but honestly I didn’t want to stay in the yuck and the pain again.

Some days, to be sure, I want to rewind and experience the joys all over again. I don’t want mere photographs to remind me of bygone days; I want to live them again and be all there. Other days, and too many day, I’m afraid to admit, I’d like to push the rewind button as I ask my children for do-overs to do this day, this moment, this conversation over. To get it right as I get right with Jesus and go back and try it again, this time with Jesus skin on.

These days, I’m learning that as much as I want to fast forward and rewind, it’s just not possible. I didn’t come out of the womb grasping a remote control in my hand. I was born grasping for air to fill my lungs and soul living dependent on God for each new day, each new breath.  So I’m asking God to help me stay in the here and now. To sit in the pain and know He is with me. To pause and rest and be still and know He is God. And He has it all in His control. He is in this moment. So I don’t need a remote control for life after all.

incircle

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